so......what happened?

well the short version is that i left the man i had lived with for 14 years, and with whom i have a small child (will be his third birthday in a couple of weeks!)..........it's been hard, with lots of soul searching but now i'm happier. It's very hard, harder than i can say in words, not being with my son every day. We have to do what's best for him though and that is making sure that he gets equal time with mummy and daddy. Because his dad works away at weekends i have ended up in the rather unusual position of being a weekend mummy, which currently means having him Friday afternoon through to Monday afternoon..........but when he eventually goes to school that time will be reduced and i'm finding that thought unbearable.

in more recent events..........a few weeks ago i found a lump in one of my breasts. I went to the GP who referred me to the Breast Clinic and (after changing the appt because it clashed with holiday) i went yesterday. They found the lump (because it has been a bit elusive) and decided to do a biopsy. While doing it half the lump disappeared, so they took the rest out and said it is/was more than likely a cyst. They will phone me on Tuesday to let me know for sure.

erm........

i'd kind of forgotten about this.......but then i've had a lot going on since i last posted. Some really big changes to my life. It's strange to read my posts from last year, and think about the normality i seemed to be living in.......but then that last blog about that party and how lonely i felt.......well that was the beginning of me waking up and realising that my life wasn't at all complete. It's been an emotionally hard few months, i've had to make some hard decisions which mean my life has taken a completely different turn.

More when i have time to sit and think about what i want to write.

lonely

i'm still trying to find some of the old me, but life is so hectic i feel like i don't get a chance to think anymore.
went to a fantastic party on Saturday and saw an old friend who i have missed a great deal. I've met many people over the years and 'connected' with them on some wierd level i don't quite know how to explain.....but i didn't really understand how important this connection was and i've missed out on so much important stuff in these peoples lives because of that.
I enjoyed the party......the first time in years i've done anything 'solo' so to speak, and i have seriously forgotten how to socialise! I used to have the confidence to go up to complete strangers and introduce myself...indeed some of my very dearest friends were met in that very way! However on Saturday i just couldn't do it....what is holding me back? i do know i've been hurt in the past and maybe i'm restricting people getting close to me to avoid that hurt.
I have to get ready for work...so i have to leave this for now, but i may come back to to it later.

i passed

i passed my driving test......at one point i really thought i'd failed when i rolled back slightly on a hill start. I relaxed after that, i suppose thinking i'd failed took the pressure off me......and for the first time in my life i was glad about tourist traffic as i spent 10 minutes in stationary traffic!

aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh

9.27 am..........think of me! i will be starting my driving test........

big day tomorrow

so.....tomorrow is the big day.....i take my driving test!! i'm quietly confident, but not too much so. my attitude is, i drive to the best of my ability and if it is good enough i pass and if it isn't then i fail.
Bam is teething and Andy and i are like zombies.....i'm putting so much of my energy into my driving that i barely have any left for anything else. we're both grumpy and snappy, Bam is getting us up several times a night and then up and full of beans at between 5.30 and 6.30 most mornings. I can handle early arisings, but not when i've had a rubbish night's sleep.
We've decided that we're not happy here anymore....when we bought this house it was our dream, but important things have changed in the few years since we've been here. Some changes have been prompted by parenthood (i knew it would change me, but not how much) but not all, and even though we've decided, it's still hard to know what to do next. Job 1 is to get the house finished and valued....so we know where we stand money wise. Then we have to see where go from there....lots of ideas at the moment, but one thing we have decided is no rushing. I want our next house to be just right. We have lots of requirements......and in an ideal world, we'd have them all. But unless i win the lottery this week, it's not realisitic to expect to have them all.
My mum has Bam today....only the second day i have been away from him in nearly two years. She had him on Monday and they had a blast.....it's quite nice for other people to see the quirky and cheeky nature he has. And also to see why i'm so tired. YES he really is on the go ALL DAY! i can manage to calm him enough for a nap but when he's with other people he's too excited to sleep.....
well i should get ready for work........

eventually

we'll see how much i get written......i'm still not finding it easy to concentrate! Glastonbury...........was muddy, and a disappointment really. It cost a lot of money, and the weather meant it wasn't as enjoyable as it could have been. It was so hard to get the pushchair around site, especially when it got muddier and everyone was walking on the paths to avoid the welly sucking consistency...and eventually it got so deep in most places that we couldn't let Bam out of the pushchair to run around. The people don't seem as friendly either, on the Sunday i took Bam for a walk round while Andy took our stuff to the car (we packed up and headed home on the Sunday) and on a few occasions i ground to a halt in the mud......and only once did anyone come to help, the other times people just looked on as i struggled. I don't think we'll go again, especially while Bam is so small.....maybe in future years when he's about 10. We're going to try some smaller and less commercial festivals next year.....quite frankly the BBC have completely ruined Glastonbury with the over zealous plugging of it, and they concentrate on all the commercial Radio one shite when it is about so much more. Well it used to be, i think they are slowly squeezing the individual style out of it.Actually i'm not convinced i'll ever return...so much i love about it has changed.
Neighbour..............the neighbour owns, but doesn't live in, the terrace which shares a boundary wall with our house. He's always been a niggly old sod, but for the most part we've always got on. Recently we built a raised bed on our garden (which is the size of a postage stamp) and we made sure it was not touching his wall, so as not to cause damp but he moaned about it, so we took it out. I lost all my carrots, lettuce, spinach, and spring onions :( .He also has a gate in the wall, which means he has to come across our garden to use it. He doesn't need it for access as he can get round the back of the terrace, but obviously it's a shorter route. Anyway he NEVER knocks on the door to tell me (ask me for that matter) that he's dragging ladders/christmas trees etc across my garden and through the gate......and now i have a small child i don't really want neighbour coming and going as he pleases. When he started moaning about the raised bed we asked him about the gate and he swears he has legal papers saying he has a right of access, but as yet (some two weeks later) he hasn't produced them. We now have to get solicitors involved as we need to put a front wall up (to make it safe for Bam, and also to fulfill a condition of planning) and we also want to block this gate off.....and i want to make sure it's above board.We can't afford to do it all then take it down because he produces papers giving him access.