lonely

i'm still trying to find some of the old me, but life is so hectic i feel like i don't get a chance to think anymore.
went to a fantastic party on Saturday and saw an old friend who i have missed a great deal. I've met many people over the years and 'connected' with them on some wierd level i don't quite know how to explain.....but i didn't really understand how important this connection was and i've missed out on so much important stuff in these peoples lives because of that.
I enjoyed the party......the first time in years i've done anything 'solo' so to speak, and i have seriously forgotten how to socialise! I used to have the confidence to go up to complete strangers and introduce myself...indeed some of my very dearest friends were met in that very way! However on Saturday i just couldn't do it....what is holding me back? i do know i've been hurt in the past and maybe i'm restricting people getting close to me to avoid that hurt.
I have to get ready for work...so i have to leave this for now, but i may come back to to it later.

i passed

i passed my driving test......at one point i really thought i'd failed when i rolled back slightly on a hill start. I relaxed after that, i suppose thinking i'd failed took the pressure off me......and for the first time in my life i was glad about tourist traffic as i spent 10 minutes in stationary traffic!

aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh

9.27 am..........think of me! i will be starting my driving test........

big day tomorrow

so.....tomorrow is the big day.....i take my driving test!! i'm quietly confident, but not too much so. my attitude is, i drive to the best of my ability and if it is good enough i pass and if it isn't then i fail.
Bam is teething and Andy and i are like zombies.....i'm putting so much of my energy into my driving that i barely have any left for anything else. we're both grumpy and snappy, Bam is getting us up several times a night and then up and full of beans at between 5.30 and 6.30 most mornings. I can handle early arisings, but not when i've had a rubbish night's sleep.
We've decided that we're not happy here anymore....when we bought this house it was our dream, but important things have changed in the few years since we've been here. Some changes have been prompted by parenthood (i knew it would change me, but not how much) but not all, and even though we've decided, it's still hard to know what to do next. Job 1 is to get the house finished and valued....so we know where we stand money wise. Then we have to see where go from there....lots of ideas at the moment, but one thing we have decided is no rushing. I want our next house to be just right. We have lots of requirements......and in an ideal world, we'd have them all. But unless i win the lottery this week, it's not realisitic to expect to have them all.
My mum has Bam today....only the second day i have been away from him in nearly two years. She had him on Monday and they had a blast.....it's quite nice for other people to see the quirky and cheeky nature he has. And also to see why i'm so tired. YES he really is on the go ALL DAY! i can manage to calm him enough for a nap but when he's with other people he's too excited to sleep.....
well i should get ready for work........

eventually

we'll see how much i get written......i'm still not finding it easy to concentrate! Glastonbury...........was muddy, and a disappointment really. It cost a lot of money, and the weather meant it wasn't as enjoyable as it could have been. It was so hard to get the pushchair around site, especially when it got muddier and everyone was walking on the paths to avoid the welly sucking consistency...and eventually it got so deep in most places that we couldn't let Bam out of the pushchair to run around. The people don't seem as friendly either, on the Sunday i took Bam for a walk round while Andy took our stuff to the car (we packed up and headed home on the Sunday) and on a few occasions i ground to a halt in the mud......and only once did anyone come to help, the other times people just looked on as i struggled. I don't think we'll go again, especially while Bam is so small.....maybe in future years when he's about 10. We're going to try some smaller and less commercial festivals next year.....quite frankly the BBC have completely ruined Glastonbury with the over zealous plugging of it, and they concentrate on all the commercial Radio one shite when it is about so much more. Well it used to be, i think they are slowly squeezing the individual style out of it.Actually i'm not convinced i'll ever return...so much i love about it has changed.
Neighbour..............the neighbour owns, but doesn't live in, the terrace which shares a boundary wall with our house. He's always been a niggly old sod, but for the most part we've always got on. Recently we built a raised bed on our garden (which is the size of a postage stamp) and we made sure it was not touching his wall, so as not to cause damp but he moaned about it, so we took it out. I lost all my carrots, lettuce, spinach, and spring onions :( .He also has a gate in the wall, which means he has to come across our garden to use it. He doesn't need it for access as he can get round the back of the terrace, but obviously it's a shorter route. Anyway he NEVER knocks on the door to tell me (ask me for that matter) that he's dragging ladders/christmas trees etc across my garden and through the gate......and now i have a small child i don't really want neighbour coming and going as he pleases. When he started moaning about the raised bed we asked him about the gate and he swears he has legal papers saying he has a right of access, but as yet (some two weeks later) he hasn't produced them. We now have to get solicitors involved as we need to put a front wall up (to make it safe for Bam, and also to fulfill a condition of planning) and we also want to block this gate off.....and i want to make sure it's above board.We can't afford to do it all then take it down because he produces papers giving him access.

every time i try to sit and write a new entry........i can't. i have so much going on in my head at the moment, i don't know how to get it down in words.

so notes for future blogs.........Glastonbury.......house......changes.....neighbour......

will try and get my thoughts on the above down at some point.

holiday!!

so we head off to Glastonbury on Tuesday evening, and while we'd normally spend the day leisurely packing the car (or van as in most previous years) this year we have a funeral to attend at 3pm, then the 'party' after and then back home to get changed and sort Bambam out for the journey. It's the first time we've done such a long trip with him, so we're doing it overnight on the way there and he'll just sleep through but on the way back it'll be a daytime jaunt so the week after we get back will probably be hell until we get him back into his routine.

i think we have everything organised and just have to remember our mantra of 'tickets to get in, money to buy anything we forget'.......if i can convince my brain of this i'll be less stressed out! i think i'm nervous because of being so far away from home with a little one in tow.......and as usual he will be fine and breeze through the weekend and i will comeback needing a holiday to recover from my holiday.

The raised bed we built will have to come down because the neighbour is being awkward........but i don't have the time or energy to go into that now.

right......Bambamis having a nap so i'm off to re-check the pile of stuff to go into the car while drinking a much needed cup of tea!

sad days

my nan passed away on Saturday night............

such sad days we are having at the moment. Another old drinking buddy has gone to join Daz at the great gig in the sky........and a mother and her young son were killed in a crash on the main road outside the town. This upset me, but even more so when i found out it was the lady who used to live in the flat underneath my sister. She used to wave as we walked past her kitchen window when visiting and really smile when Bambam waved back. I've always been emotional about this kind of thing, but since becoming a mother i'm much more sensitive to it all.
I really am ready for Glastonbury, need to feel the energy of the earth there and get my spiritual batteries recharged......

i love automatic cars

i had my first driving lesson in the automatic today........my god, i can't believe i've wasted so much time in a manual! it went really well and i feel like passing my test is actually achievable now!
awful day with Bambam who refused to have a nap this afternoon despite being very tired, so he was grumpy and throwing his weight around. i'm pretty sure he's teething again, pushing those nasty molars through. the front of his t-shirt was wet all day, and he had a really snotty nose.



well i think i'll go and make a cup of hot chocolate........hope i sleep well tonight.

mummy...the word that melts my heart

This week Bambam has finally started to call me 'mummy'.........and it makes my heart melt every time he says it! He's also started saying 'cuddle' when he cuddles us or his toys, and is using his existing vocabulary much more too. We went out on Saturday and had only been at the pub 45 mins when we got a call to come home because Bam had been sick, poor little mite it's the first time he's been sick since he was about 10 months old (and that was heavy posseting rather than sick), and it really upset him. From what mum says it sounds like the sick was brought up with some wind while he was asleep and he panicked and started to choke. He went off to sleep after much burping, and our friend came back to the house so we demolished a box of wine in the comfort of our own home.

My nan is in hopsital, after suffering a severe stroke. She is now unconcious after several fits and the family have signed a DNR, so it's just a waiting game now. She was transferred to Sheffield and i don't know if they are going to move her closer to home, so i may not get the chance to see her again, but to be honest we have never been close. The hard part (emotionally) is that my dad went missing when i was small and we have no way of contacting him to let him know, although after all these years i'm not sure if he would care (it's complicated).

Typical Bank Holiday weather here......rain and wind. I'm trying (and failing) to de clutter the house, but i feel like i'm just moving junk from place to place. Until we find time to car boot it it'll be getting in my way, but we need the money so i can't just charity shop/freecycle it.

Another driving lesson on Weds, switching to the automatic now though because i have a 'deadline' to pass my test by and i just cannot get the hang of the clutch/gears.........it works for us because our car is an auto anyway.

well off i go to try and tackle more 'stuff'......honestly i don't know where i accumulate all this stuff from!!

a sad day

Today we attended the funeral of a dear friend. Taken at the age of 39 by cancer...........

Damn, it's been a hard day. I can't believe he's gone. I don't know what to say.

Daz......i hope the music is good and loud where you are.

first post

Hmmmmm.......so the first post. What to write? I'm not really sure why i'm doing this blog thing..........but so many things happen every day, just little things and it would be nice i guess to be able to look back at when these things happened. Most likely my blog will have a lot about my son, but for the last 21 months he has been 'my life'. I thought i was prepared for motherhood but the reality has been far from anything i ever imagined or anticipated, in both positive and negative respects. It feels wierd to say that but, yes, not every aspect of being a parent is positive..........anyone who has been there or is there now will understand.

So what happened today? Well, the plasterer came round to do some more work on the kitchen and what a difference it makes, it really changed it from looking like a 'building site' to a (nearly) kitchen. The weather was good, and we took a short trip to the garden centre to buy compost so i could plant my beans out, and also put some of my tumbler tomatoes in hanging baskets. Bambam helped me in the garden, it will be so good when we have the front wall up and he can play out there properly. He really does love being in the outdoors, and especially if daddy is out there working and he can help!!

I have a driving lesson tomorrow (number 3)...........so hope i get a better nights sleep than the last two nights. I seem to be waking in the early hours and really struggling to get back off to sleep.