lonely

i'm still trying to find some of the old me, but life is so hectic i feel like i don't get a chance to think anymore.
went to a fantastic party on Saturday and saw an old friend who i have missed a great deal. I've met many people over the years and 'connected' with them on some wierd level i don't quite know how to explain.....but i didn't really understand how important this connection was and i've missed out on so much important stuff in these peoples lives because of that.
I enjoyed the party......the first time in years i've done anything 'solo' so to speak, and i have seriously forgotten how to socialise! I used to have the confidence to go up to complete strangers and introduce myself...indeed some of my very dearest friends were met in that very way! However on Saturday i just couldn't do it....what is holding me back? i do know i've been hurt in the past and maybe i'm restricting people getting close to me to avoid that hurt.
I have to get ready for work...so i have to leave this for now, but i may come back to to it later.

i passed

i passed my driving test......at one point i really thought i'd failed when i rolled back slightly on a hill start. I relaxed after that, i suppose thinking i'd failed took the pressure off me......and for the first time in my life i was glad about tourist traffic as i spent 10 minutes in stationary traffic!

aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh

9.27 am..........think of me! i will be starting my driving test........

big day tomorrow

so.....tomorrow is the big day.....i take my driving test!! i'm quietly confident, but not too much so. my attitude is, i drive to the best of my ability and if it is good enough i pass and if it isn't then i fail.
Bam is teething and Andy and i are like zombies.....i'm putting so much of my energy into my driving that i barely have any left for anything else. we're both grumpy and snappy, Bam is getting us up several times a night and then up and full of beans at between 5.30 and 6.30 most mornings. I can handle early arisings, but not when i've had a rubbish night's sleep.
We've decided that we're not happy here anymore....when we bought this house it was our dream, but important things have changed in the few years since we've been here. Some changes have been prompted by parenthood (i knew it would change me, but not how much) but not all, and even though we've decided, it's still hard to know what to do next. Job 1 is to get the house finished and valued....so we know where we stand money wise. Then we have to see where go from there....lots of ideas at the moment, but one thing we have decided is no rushing. I want our next house to be just right. We have lots of requirements......and in an ideal world, we'd have them all. But unless i win the lottery this week, it's not realisitic to expect to have them all.
My mum has Bam today....only the second day i have been away from him in nearly two years. She had him on Monday and they had a blast.....it's quite nice for other people to see the quirky and cheeky nature he has. And also to see why i'm so tired. YES he really is on the go ALL DAY! i can manage to calm him enough for a nap but when he's with other people he's too excited to sleep.....
well i should get ready for work........